Change

"A little change will do you good," sings the well known Sheryl Crow, but I have realized that I am not always so good at dealing with change. I believe in it, even seek it with all my might at times. However, as of late, I am recognizing an apparent resistance to change or at least it rattles my cage more than I remember it doing in the past.

Let me back up, I have not had any major life changing moments as of late. Okay, see, now that's a lie. I think I have had some major ones--finished a huge chapter in my education and started a new job--I just haven't had a second to really sit and absorb these moments and their impact on my life. "D" day was July 24; I finished all final writing and sent the diss off August 5th; the job started August 13th. I didn't have much time for reflection, and it's showing.

Now, here I am, having completed my first semester at the new job with the new title, ready for a nice relaxing change of pace, a break, a time for reflection, finally. But all I can do is sit here thinking, "Okay, what do I need to be doing? I know there is something I should be doing!" I have never considered myself a neurotic person or one who thrives on constantly checking items off her to-do list. In fact, one thing I learned while finishing school was that I don't operate well in perma-go-mode. Yet, here I am feeling a combination of guilt, worry, and fear that I am forgetting something I am supposed to be doing. Huh? What is that all about? Have I changed?
Am I now the person that feels incomplete unless running on all 4 cylinders? Ew. That's not good.

So in hopes of counteracting this potential change in personality, I'm making a change in behavior. Right here and now. See, when I wrote that big document that took a year and 187 pages of my life to complete, I think the idea of writing "for me" got lost. I couldn't always figure a time to write just for writing because that might mean I was NOT writing for the big, bad diss. And I didn't have that kind of time to waste. Then I entered professor land and the (self induced) pressure to write for publication crept up my body, creating a knot of tension from my gut to my shoulders. I was able to ignore the knots of tension because I was teaching, meeting, supervising, conferencing, responding, grading...and all the other important things that are wrapped up in my job. Now, I have come face to face with the blank screen and I think it's telling me, "I've waited for a while now. You are ready, so please, come, write."

As I write this first post, which is surely neurotic and tangent-filled at this point, I think one kink in the knot has loosened. So I am writing my way to enlightenment. I am going to take time to recognize what has happened, but maybe has been ignored up until this point. And my goal will be to do this often.