Resisting the "Edit" Button

Blogger has this really cool thing that allows you to go back and edit your posts after publication. "Perfect," I thought today as I was rereading a recent post. I didn't like the phrasing of a sentence, and immediately wanted to go back and "fix" it.

Wow.

My fellow bloggers frequently discuss the issue of the self-editor when writing in the blogging world. The immediacy of blog writing is so nice and invigorating. We don't have to wait for acceptance or approval. We hit the publish button, and our words are out there. However, the downside to this is the fact that writers, of any sort/level/comfort, can't help but worry about the editing/proofreading aspect of their work. It has only me three posts to get a bit frazzled about this, but in the spirit of the title of this blog, I aim to keep writing...hopefully to enlight, and resist writing "right".

Loving the body

In our society, we are presented with two extremes when it comes to the treatment of the body--indulge or hide. I tend to lean more towards the indulge side. I try to value and love my body at all times. I grew up in a household that made no big deal about the human body. In fact, I grew up appreciating and celebrating the body and all it is capable of. Nudity, while not encouraged in a whenever-the-mood-strikes kind of way (aka Brittany Spears peep show), was not an issue in my house. We have bodies and body parts and they serve very useful and important functions--this was how everything was presented to me. Nothing to be ashamed, but rather something to revel in. Today, I indulged and loved my body in the form of a 90-minute massage.

Now, usually, when it comes to things I do for the body--run, yoga, lift weights, etc.--I like tough and in depth. Pain equals good in my brain. My massages are no different. But today my usual therapist was sick, so I had a new person. Now usually this would deter me because when you find a good massage therapist, you don't stray. However, I learned a good lesson today. Mo helped me love my body today. She is a deep tissue gal, just like my regular person, but today was all about love. Fluid, lucid, and dreamy best describes how I feel right now.

I want to remember this over and over again. Extreme is not always best when it comes to my body and loving it. Sure a good tough workout, massage, etc. is nice, and I usually thrive on that. But I was totally seduced with the gentle, yet purposeful experience today. Tough girl lost today. Yeah!

Change

"A little change will do you good," sings the well known Sheryl Crow, but I have realized that I am not always so good at dealing with change. I believe in it, even seek it with all my might at times. However, as of late, I am recognizing an apparent resistance to change or at least it rattles my cage more than I remember it doing in the past.

Let me back up, I have not had any major life changing moments as of late. Okay, see, now that's a lie. I think I have had some major ones--finished a huge chapter in my education and started a new job--I just haven't had a second to really sit and absorb these moments and their impact on my life. "D" day was July 24; I finished all final writing and sent the diss off August 5th; the job started August 13th. I didn't have much time for reflection, and it's showing.

Now, here I am, having completed my first semester at the new job with the new title, ready for a nice relaxing change of pace, a break, a time for reflection, finally. But all I can do is sit here thinking, "Okay, what do I need to be doing? I know there is something I should be doing!" I have never considered myself a neurotic person or one who thrives on constantly checking items off her to-do list. In fact, one thing I learned while finishing school was that I don't operate well in perma-go-mode. Yet, here I am feeling a combination of guilt, worry, and fear that I am forgetting something I am supposed to be doing. Huh? What is that all about? Have I changed?
Am I now the person that feels incomplete unless running on all 4 cylinders? Ew. That's not good.

So in hopes of counteracting this potential change in personality, I'm making a change in behavior. Right here and now. See, when I wrote that big document that took a year and 187 pages of my life to complete, I think the idea of writing "for me" got lost. I couldn't always figure a time to write just for writing because that might mean I was NOT writing for the big, bad diss. And I didn't have that kind of time to waste. Then I entered professor land and the (self induced) pressure to write for publication crept up my body, creating a knot of tension from my gut to my shoulders. I was able to ignore the knots of tension because I was teaching, meeting, supervising, conferencing, responding, grading...and all the other important things that are wrapped up in my job. Now, I have come face to face with the blank screen and I think it's telling me, "I've waited for a while now. You are ready, so please, come, write."

As I write this first post, which is surely neurotic and tangent-filled at this point, I think one kink in the knot has loosened. So I am writing my way to enlightenment. I am going to take time to recognize what has happened, but maybe has been ignored up until this point. And my goal will be to do this often.